The day I learned you were no longer with us must have been one of the saddest day of my life. I can still remember how exited I was to see you again. I could not wait to visit with you, to see how well you were doing, and how well you were growing. Then I saw you. It seemed like you were peacefully laying in my womb. I smiled. But something was not right. You were not talking to me. I kept thinking that maybe you were shy that day and just did not feel like talking. I was waiting for a sign, a little waive from you. But nothing. You were just laying; your body was still in my womb but your soul was gone.
The doctor said you were gone for a little while already. You left us without a noise. And the worse part was that I could not help but thinking that I let you down. I did not take good care of you. And because of me you would not be able to meet your family. I laid on the bed that day hoping that when I would wake up you would wake up with me. You would talk to me and let me know you were fine and still with us.
I knew I had to be strong and take care of your brother and sister, but I did not know how. Every single day, when I was still carrying a peace of you in me, God gave me the strength to keep moving. He told me you were OK and happy. I had to believe it because I knew in my heart it was true. I just could not let you go.
The day we finally said our goodbyes was tough. I still was not ready to let you go. That is when you finally talked to me. You whispered to my heart and told me:
“I am fine Mama. I will be fine, you can let me go. I am at peace and happy with God, Grandpa Tryphon, and Uncle Steve. It is not your fault, and please do not blame yourself. Take care of my father and my brother and my sister. I love you Mama, and thank you for all the care you gave me”.
I opened my eyes and for the first time n days I felt I would be fine. We would be fine. Each day you are giving me the motivation I need to keep moving when I feel down.
My prayer to God is that your journey to Him may bring us life in every aspect of our lives. We love you Tristan. I love you and always will. I am sorry for wishing I could just forget you like we forget about a bad dream. Today, I do not wish to forget you. I do not want to. You are a part of me, you are part of the family. You are ours. And you will always be remembered as such.
One of your “Tantine” sent me this poem she found for you:
How very softly you tiptoed into our world.
Almost silently, only a moment you stayed
But what an imprint your footsteps have left upon our heart.
Welcome to the family Tristan. I love you.